From "Humor in the Court" & "More Humor in the Court" 
by Mary Louise Gilman, the editor of the National Shorthand Reporter, a selection of her best transquips.            

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
     which I sent to your attorney?      
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.      
_________________________________________________________________      

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?      
A. I refuse to answer that question.      
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?      
A. I refuse to answer that question.      
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?      
A. No.   
_________________________________________________________________      

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name? 
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to 
    Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!           _________________________________________________________________      

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?      
A. By death.      
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?                
_________________________________________________________________      

Q. What is your name?      
A. Ernestine McDowell.      
Q. And what is your marital status?      
A. Fair.           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q. Are you married?      
A. No, I'm divorced.      
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?      
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?      
A. My ex-widow said it.           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?      
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, 
     and said he was really good. 
________________________________________________________________      

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?      
A. I should be.      
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?      
A. Four times.           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?      
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?      
A. Yes, sir.      
Q. Before or after he died?           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q. What happened then?      
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."    
Q. Did he kill you?      
A. No.           
_________________________________________________________________      

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information
     and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for 
     the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would 
     he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?      
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?      
A. Oral.      
Q. How old are you?      
A. Oral.           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: ...and what did he do then?      
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.      
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?      
A: I could see his head.      
Q: And where was his head?      
A: Just above his shoulders.           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?      
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?      
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?      
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: You too were shot in the fracas?      
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?      
A: It indicates intercourse.      
Q: Male sperm?      
A. That is the only kind I know.           
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?      
A: Yes, sir.      
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?           

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court" 

...more real court transcriptions, word for word:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
 _________________________________________________________________      

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: What was the first thing your husband said
      to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_________________________________________________________________      

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FIVE DOCS & A DUCK

Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a general practitioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. 

After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.  

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.  

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.  

Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the #
key until a representative comes on the line. 

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. 

If you have bi-polar disorder please leave a message after the beep or before the beep.  Or after the beep.  Please wait for the beep. 

If you have short term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. 

If you have low self esteem, please hang up.  All our operators are too busy to talk to you. 

If you are exhibiting signs of psychic ability... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BABY QUIZ

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Poor Ol' Fred

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.  As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.  The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. 

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.  He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left--you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HMO Jokes

James Scroggs, an advisor to physicians on practice management issues and Strategy Advisor regular sent this humorous series of managed care questions and answers....

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered.  These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions.  Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the
     name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a 
     stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an answer by then,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Famous Quotations

"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."  --Parish Magazine

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -- General William Westmoreland

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others." --Gerry Brown

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another." --George Bush, US President

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand." --Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." --Bill Peterson, football coach

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little-Known Handicaps

Yield Deficit Disorder (YDD)

This affliction, which disproportionately affects women and the elderly, is serious and can be life threatening. Those with YDD experience perceptive problems which prevent them from entering a traffic stream already in motion. Typically, the sufferer moves in the yield lane at one to two miles per hour hoping for a two *hour* or two *mile* lull in traffic. When this does not occur, the YDD sufferer simply closes his or her eyes and begins moving into traffic with only the protective hand of God to clear the way.

Cerebral Phlebitis

The primary symptom of this male-only disease is an enormous swelling of the head. If left unchecked, it can affect brain functions, causing the sufferer to inaccurately recall past performance in job-related activities, social situations, and even the size of certain reproductive body parts.  The only known cure for cerebral phlebitis is a risky procedure known as a "Marriage of Equals." This is an extremely dangerous, open-heart operation which often fails.

Bingivitis

This inexplicable disease affects only individuals who are directly in front of me at the Kentucky Fried Chicken buffet, or similar food bars. It causes them to take the last piece of Original Recipe chicken, the last scoop of stuffing; basically, to load down their plate like Fred does at the beginning of the Flintstones when the Bronto Ribs tip over his car. The bingivitis sufferer goes on to find a seat, leaving me with some soggy, vinegar-soaked greens and jiggling Tahiti Salad to choose from.

Cheeriosclerosis

Also known as "hardening of the cereal," this frightening male condition results from leaving the cereal or other late night snack out on the coffee table overnight. In the morning, the crusty remains are harder than diamonds, impenetrable by soaking or even repeated and vigorous fork-jamming. Frequently, the only solution is a dangerous "bowl transplant" which involves trying to replace the bowl with an identical one without your wife knowing it. Sadly, in most cases the new bowl is rejected.

Post-Traumatic Dress Syndrome

This debilitating disease strikes women, primarily in the child-bearing ages. After choosing an outfit to wear for work or play, the afflicted woman simply 'locks up' in fear and delusional paranoia, muttering about the unsuitability of the chosen ensemble. During a flare-up, if the patient's spouse asks "what's the problem?" or speaks at all, this triggers a massive escalation of the condition which can be life-threatening to the spouse, and will cause the patient to shout "I HATE MY CLOTHES!" and lock herself in the room. There is no cure, other than more and more dresses or an evening's worth of uninterrupted compliments and reassurance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Medical Notations...

...taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. 

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. 

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.  

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. 

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor. 

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. 

Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 

Healthy-appearing decrepit 69 year-old male mentally alert but forgetful. 

The patient refused an autopsy. 

The patient has no past history of suicides. 

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. 

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days. 

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room. 

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. 

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up. 

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home..

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. X, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bran Muffins

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?" St. Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation.  "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.  St. Peter lectured," That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it and shrieking wildly. St Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.  The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SOME OF THE BEST FROM RODNEY DANGERFIELD....

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father....
"I'm very sorry. We did everything we could......but he pulled through."

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?"
He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost.....I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.   I said to him ...  "Do you think we'll ever find them?"  He said ... 
"I don't know kid ...there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club.  I jump off next Tuesday.

My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HEALTH RELATED SCHOOL EXCUSES

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected in The Lone Star, and obviously from the Lone Star State!

- My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.  Please execute him.

- Please excuse Lisa for being absent.  She was sick and I had her shot.

- Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

- Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.  She is administrating.

- Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.  He was hurt in the growing part.

- Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

- Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

- Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

- Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

- Please excuse Jimmy for being.  It was his father's fault.

- Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

- Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

- Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

- Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

- Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.  Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TOP SIGNS YOU HAVE A CHEAP HMO

1. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
2. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
3. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
4. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
5. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".
6. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
7. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
9. Viagra pills come in different colors with little "M"'s on them.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remarkable Transcripts

As reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, 
the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys 
during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: So the date of conception (of your baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


AND SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST:

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MORE MEDICAL NOTES...

... taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Patient appears responsive, but unable to communicate with me.

Bladder is under control, but cannot stop urine from seeping.

Heart problem is fixed. Patient died at 10:07 this morning.

Complains of chest pain occasionally. Otherwise just a pain.

Patient is always telling me about her pains and problems. This remains a significant pain to me.

The blood workup showed no antibodies present. Need the rest of the blood to be sure, however.

If it weren't for the fact that the patient is dead, I would say he was in perfect health.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

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Which Profession Makes the Best Surgical Patient?

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table. 

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants in my operating table because,
 when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." 

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded." 

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would." 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable. 

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MORE FAMOUS QUOTES...

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"Please provide the date of your death." --from an IRS letter

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it." --Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally." --Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything." --Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

"I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents." --George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Dan Quayle

"The road of good intentions is paved with Hell." --Spencer Ante

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman." --Rear Admiral James R. Hogg

"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." --Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." --Batman Costume warning label

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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE

Patient's complaint:  "Doctor, I have an ear ache." 

Physician's response:
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!" 

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Doctors vs Gun Owners

Doctors
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 780,000.
(B) Preventable medical errors kill 98,000 in the US annually
Death Rate: Accidental medical deaths per physician is 0.125.
Statistics: Institute of Medicine & U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services

Gun Owners 
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is estimated at 40 to 80 million
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths in the US in 2014, all age groups, was 586.
Death Rate: Accidental gun deaths per gun owner is 0.00001465.
       Statistics: ProCon.org

So, statistically speaking, doctors are approximately 8,500 times more dangerous than gun owners. When you review these two statistics together it seems that the sensible thing would be to come up with a bumper sticker that says something like, "Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do….."

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.  

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!   

Out  of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!


LB's Healthcare Humor Favorites

I really do believe in the statement made in Reader's Digest, which says that laughter is the best medicine.  Here are some of my personal favorites collected over the years, which I hope you will enjoy.   Send  your favorite medical or legal humor and maybe HLN will add your joke to these favorites of mine:
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